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Until one has loved an animal, part of their soul remains unawakened.

Ride with your heart and soul ~ your horse can feel it


Thursday, October 13, 2011

Its Time for Goodbye

Sometimes you need to do something you really don't want to do.  And as much as it makes sense in your head it still hurts your heart.  Today its my day.

After a lot of thought, and a lot of tears, I've come to the decision that its time to euthanize my sweet Cessa.  It will be the hardest goodbye I've ever faced.
All the signs are there that its time.  Actually its almost like 'the universe' has been trying to tell me that its time for a little while now.  It seems like everywhere I turn there's something about putting down a beloved animal; an article on euthanasia, an ad for a memorial trinket, friends that are going through loss.
A couple months ago I started adding 'senior feed' (the concoction of various stuff I gave her last year) to her feed.  I'd bring her in once a day from pasture and give it to her.  Then I slowly increased it.  I've had Cessa on what was her full winter ration last year for a couple months now.  Last year she came out of winter fat, for probably the first time in her life.  This year she has slowly put on weight but is no where near where she needs to be.
It takes her well over an hour to eat, in the winter it would freeze before she could eat it all.  I know I could try a heated bucket but there's more.  There's the cold to deal with... last week it was cold & rainy for 2 days and you could SEE her lose weight.  Even with a blanket and a shelter with lots of straw she would be colder than she was last week.
She's not processing her feed properly.  You can tell when you look at her manure.  Also it doesn't smell right... it has a weird sweetish smell to it.
I'd like to try to help her get through another winter... but like my vet said, the last thing I want is to come out for chores and find her down on the ground, too weak to get up and freezing to the ground.  And I remember the deal I made with her last winter... if she'd tough it out and pull through she could have all spring & summer to play in the pasture with her boys, I wouldn't make her try to get through another winter.
When I told Pie about the decision I'd come to his words were "I forbid it".  Do you know how damn hard it is to argue FOR something you really in your heart don't want to do, no matter how much sense it makes when you just look at the facts?
I laid out everything I just told y'all.  And I told him that she's always been such a proud horse and that she may not seem to be in too much pain right now and has a spark in her eye & spirit, I don't want her to be going downhill to the point that its absolutely needed to put her down.  I want her to be able to go with some dignity & pride, not suffering.  Thirty is a lot of years for a horse, especially a thoroughbred.
This girl means the world to me.  She's been there for everything the last 18 years (I got her when she was 12).  Her mane has soaked up lots of tears; happy tears, angry tears and sad tears.  For years now I've told her everything.  And although it may sound corny, I really believe she saved my life.  I went through some bad times and depression and there were days that the only thing that kept me going was knowing I had her to take care of.
She's taken care of me & been there for me all these years, its my turn to be there for her... no matter how hard it is.  I'm going to try to be the strong one tomorrow and not cry until its over, I don't want to make it harder on her.
I'm going to miss you my sweet strong girl

23 comments:

  1. My thoughts are with you during this most difficult decision, made out of love for your sweet Cessa.

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  2. This a real toughie! God knows its hard enough when they have a serious injury or illness, when they wont pull through. But this? I really feel for you both.

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  3. So sorry for your loss. Hard choice, but obviously lots of love behind it. Remember her fondly.

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  4. There are no words in the English language to describe the gut wrenching issues you have dealt with and are processing now. My heart goes out to you with a warm glow for all your tender thoughts and caring for your beloved friend. She knows you love her! Just know she loves you for doing what you both know to be right. (as tear run down my face... my thoughts are with you today)

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  5. I am so sorry. Just remember that you are giving her the gift of not having to suffer at the end - that's a gift of love. Will be thinking of you.

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  6. Will be thinking of all you guys up there in Tundra Country today.

    She'll be with you always.

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  7. I know this is a tough decision but it's for the best. She has had a good, LONG life and she'll be waiting at the gate for you when you finally meet again.

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  8. Adieu to your beautiful Cessa, and hugs to you.

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  9. Lisa I know exactly how you feel. I am in the same position right now. I am sorry if this comment is not very articulate but I am having a hard time transferring thought to word of course it doesn't help that I'm crying my eyes out. Your post blew me away because it was as though you were writing it about my old guy Tex,as a matter of fact I was just telling someone the other day that I probably wouldn't be here right now if it weren't for that horse so I don't think it's corny at all.My heart is breaking for you, kudos to you though for knowing it's the time and allowing Cessa to go.

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  10. Hugs and my thoughts are with you at this difficult time. I have been in your shoes, a few years ago had to put down my"heart horse" 28 with the heart of a 3 yr old but becoming slow and arthritic. My biggest fear was that I would wait too long and find her down ,unable to get up in the winter.
    It got pretty hard to breath the day we let her go, and I cried like a child ,but you know after a time the calm washed over me ,knowing I had done the right thing ,didn't make it hurt less,but it did help me cope.I wish that calm for you

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  11. Oh God, I'm so sorry! Reading your words has got the tears running down my cheeks because I know exactly how hard this decision is to make, and how very, very much it rips at the heart to be strong and do what you know is the right thing...the kindest thing for your horse. All the while questioning your every decision and motive, and then questioning it some more. I'm keeping you in my prayers today, and will be sending you warm, encouraging thoughts and wishes. Be strong...your decision is a sound one. RIP beautiful old girl. They certainly are precious aren't they? ((hugs)) Lorie :(

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  12. My heart is breaking for you having to follow through with this decision.

    I'm so sorry.

    Treasure those special memories with your beautiful Cessa.

    ~Lisa

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  13. Big hugs heading out west to you and Pie. So sorry to hear about Cessa - what a wonderful mare she was to you guys. I am all teared up reading this post and wish that you didn't have to do this now.

    I really respect your decision and I know you are doing the best thing for her. It isn't fair to watch a horse suffer through our cold winters. She was lucky to have found her lifetime home with you and you will carry your fond memories of her with you forever.

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  14. Oh Lisa, I'm so sorry! There just aren't the words for these kinds of things. Know that you're right, and you're doing the right thing by not making her struggle thru winter. It's so hard though, SO hard. Thoughts and prayers are with you. Give her a hug from all of us, and know we're sending one for you too.

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  15. Oh, CDN! I'm so sorry! I know how hard it is to argue with your other half to put a beloved animal down, because it's the RIGHT thing to do! I did that with BP over Moon a couple years ago.

    Cessa has had a good, long life and you have been so blessed to have had her in yours!

    (((HUGS)))

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  16. oh no, i'm so sorry. i remember last year. i feel terrible for you. but i trust your love for that horse.

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  17. You have done a most generous thing, letting go of an animal you love so much before she really hurts and suffers the indignities of frailty. God Bless you.
    Tears run down my face as your story brings back memories of my own hard decisions, and the sadness of loss. But, I cherish the good memories and the happy days with my animals long gone. You have those great memories, too.

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  18. Oh I feel for you, what a hard decision to make, even if it is the right one for so many reasons, it is still a hard decision. Hugs to you.

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  19. Oh Lisa, I'm so sorry. You have given her the best life any horse could have. She's got all of your special secrets and love tucked in safe with her. She will always be your very best friend in your heart. Take care.

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  20. Lisa, I've been thinking about you all day. I really do think that you made the best decision. It is so hard knowing that someone we love is suffering. It sounds like Cessa had a good life and was well-loved.

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  21. My heart is with you. I've got no words. Bless you my friend - and a big ((hug))

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  22. Oh Lisa...I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Cessa. Letting go of our heart horses is the most difficult decision most of us will ever make in our lives.

    You have honored Cessa with your decision, as well as where she was laid to rest as well as any horse could ever hope to be honored.

    Hugs to you lady!

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